Fear

Just some more days from now and then I will be home again. Home meaning the States this time. I cannot wait to meet my family and friends who I only get to see so rarely. Of course I'm excited and of course I am the happiest person alive as soon as I step out the plane on Monday but I'm afraid as well. Last time I was in the States saying goodbye and leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to do. This is not fun anymore. This is not me joking around. This is me being serious. When I had to hug Ash and Mar and also my American Family for the last time before I needed to go - I couldn't help but wonder "Why does life has to be this hard? Why can't there be a way that somehow in this universe we could end up all together and just be happy?" 

It's sad to finally realize that life 1. never works the way you want or expect it and 2. doesn't play fair most of the time. 

I'm not easily afraid I would say, but right now I'm already afraid of leaving the States and afraid of all the Goodbye's I have to say. We'll see how that works. We'll see how bad it'll get. 

"I'm waking up at the start of the end of the world, 
but it's feeling just like every other morning before, 
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it's gone,

The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour and I 
and started staring at the passengers who're waving goodbye 
can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

But I believe the world is burning to the ground 
oh well I guess we're gonna find out 
let's see how far we've come 
let's see how far we've come 
Well I, believe, it all, is coming to an end 
oh well, I guess, we're gonna pretend, 
let's see how far we've come 
let's see how far we've come

I think it turned ten o'clock but I don't really know 
then I can't remember caring for an hour or so 
started crying and I couldn't stop myself 
I started running but there's no where to run to 
I sat down on the street, took a look at myself 
said where you going man you know the world is headed for hell 
say all goodbyes if you've got someone you can say goodbye to"